Sunday, August 14, 2011

the open door has just closed

Yesterday, my car finally got fixed!
It's going to rain for the next three days.
I see a disturbing trend.

The furrow in between my eyes is growing deeper.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

how long is a funk supposed to last?

I feel trapped in my own head. And, my body doesn't feel good because of it.
The tea is good, and instead of a five hour energy in the afternoon, an iced coffee works fine. Soon, I hope to wean completely off of caffeine. The thing is, I'm listless. I have the motivation to do absolutely nothing. I don't feel creative or inspired. I wash the clothes, hang them on the line, take them off the line, fluff them, fold them, distribute them. Fill the dishwasher, empty the dishwasher. Give this one a ride here, pick that one up there. It's all so boring. I'm supposed to feel grateful, but I don't. I feel anxious and annoyed.
I don't like this funk. I need to make some changes to rush it along. First the caffeine...

Sunday, August 7, 2011

no sugar tonight in my coffee

Day 1 no coffee, switched to tea. I had one cup of green tea with a small amount of sugar, no cream or milk. I figured since I have already had a nasty headache for the last few days, now would be a good time to make the switch. (lack of caffiene can cause a headache) I wonder hwo much caffiene is in the green tea?

Thursday, August 4, 2011

wake up!

Put down that pill bottle and let it be. Let that kid go through the tough stages and learn and grow. Do the hard thing and push on through. What's different from needing to drink 14 beers every day or needing to pop 14 pills? Nothing but a doctor who drives a mercedes and lives in a bigger house than you and some laws made to make sure they keep on making money.
It's ok to question what they tell you.
Go on now, put some light back in those eyes, will ya?

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Isn't that an old Eagles song?

When somebody loves you...
they accept you, all of you, even the crappy parts of your personality that show up from time to time.

Monday, August 1, 2011

must I?

Had another great party this weekend. So fun! We had great food, great drinks, great laughs. An old friend came with her man of the month and her son, who was shy at first, but them ran, swam and even played drums with the tribe...for a minute, anyway.
You ever have one of those moments where you think that if you had the balls there would be an intervention right fucking now? I wish I were sober enough at that moment to say something more than "sorry" and "goodbye". Her date left, and I mean.. poof!... disappeared. We live in the middle of nowhere and this guy just couldn't take one more minute, so he high tailed it out of town. No goodbyes, no I don't feel well or I have to be somewhere else, just ran for it! I don't blame him. My friend was cocktailing and getting louder with each cup. Which is why I always offer to make drinks... I like to control the alcohol level. Hers was light, but she had a six pack hidden that she was chasing the tequila iced teas with. As soon as she figured out he was gone, she proceeded to announce that her date had ditched her to anyone in earshot and packed up her kid and dragged him out of there. Poor kid had made friends and was about to sit in on a session with the tribe. Not for one second did she consider his feelings. What it must be like to have your mother put on a dramatic scene and then drag you away from any fun you might be having.
I thought about that off and on all night. It didn't ruin my fun, but it made me think a lot about my parenting style. I get tisk tisks and eye rolls from other parents all the time, but it's the one area of my life that I have felt like a success in and I know damn well it's not luck that my kids are the well adjusted, friendly, polite young men that they are. Perfect, they are not. I chased my oldest and his boys away from the beer cooler more than once Saturday night.
What the hell is my point? I don't know, the coffee is finally kicking in, fog lifting. I just woke up thinking about how glad I was that even though there is angst in my house, I am fortunate to be able to have conversation with my kids, all the time, about everything. It's not forced, we don't call a meeting. They tell me how they fell, what they think.. and I listen. I tell them how I feel and what I think. We agree, we don't. I actually care how they feel about things, and adjust my actions for them often. I don't think that I'm the parent and it's my way of the highway. Their perspective matters to me, and they know it.