Monday, December 6, 2010

baby it's cold outside

Watched Elf with the biggest boy last night. He's so funny, all squished up on the love seat, looking a lot like Will in the tiny chairs at Elf school. J chose the smaller couch, he always does. Not sure why, either, but he contorts himself in odd ways to stretch out, and over and off. He's always trying to fit into places where he "shouldn't" be. He, like his mother, doesn't quite understand the concept of "should".
He and I had a long-ish talk throughout the movie, during commercials, of course. We talked about how easy it is to take for granted all the wonderful things you have in your life. He told me that all his friends talk about how good our house always smells and that J is so lucky to have a mom who bakes him cookies almost every day. He went on about the Christmas decorations that I always make from "nature" and how comforting that has been for him, no matter where we lived or what was going on. He could always count on cooking and pine boughs.
I had no idea he even noticed those things. I figure that I bake cookies all the time because the kids (and hubs) love them and they make the house smell good and feel warm on cool days. And, let's face it, these boys need a lot of things to eat! It's what my mother taught me to do... and the decorations, too. She and her pal Nancy always took us kids into the woods to gather greens for wreaths and garland. I don't know if the plastic stuff was available yet, but our mothers did it the way their mothers and grandmothers had done it before them.
Talking about it all with J made me so grateful to my own mother for giving me these gifts that I use to create a memorable and joyous life for my family. All the little things that I worry so tirelessly about are just a waste of my energy. J didn't notice that when he was 5, we were poor and had to walk to the grocery store to buy milk and bread with loose change in the middle of a snowstorm. Instead, he thought it was so cool that I allowed him to walk all that way catching flakes on his tongue and see the big plastic horses and the train tracks and that half dead bat next to CVS. "Remember, Mom? Those were the days!"

Sunday, December 5, 2010


Some people are just fucking brilliant. It's impressive and I'm in awe.
And, then... well, then you change you're profile picture and you actually belive that clicking nonsense will help to fight child abuse. And, you're so fucking proud of yourself, that you post and repost the reason you did it. Oh, you, you big philanthropist. Doesn't anybody think for more than a milli-second about anything?!
I feel like Facebook might actually be the final destruction of life as we knew it. They've added all these new "words" to the dictionary and at the same time , seem to have removed "sense".

Saturday, December 4, 2010

such a block

We write to taste life twice...once in the moment and in introspection. ~ Anais Nin

I am growing very frustrated with my inability to write as of late. I'm not writing here or in my actual pen to paper notebooks. Total drought. I just can't seem to care enough through the end of a paragraph. I see a change in the works. I think I'll reread some Vonegut and see if it does to me what it did so many years ago.

Life is good, but it makes for bad writing. I just can't sit here and go on and on about every little thing I do. It feels like bragging and that's unattractive to me. I'm trying so hard to hide my inner torture to avoid being chiche or negative, that there is nothing to let out.
Oh, god, is this some kind of mid-life bullshit? I really thought the last ten years could cover enough "crisis" to last me til I float away. Do I need to start leaving myself inspirational notes again? "You can do it!" C-H-E-D-D-A-R
Hmmm... I think I will start with Cat's Cradle.

Be careful what you pretend to be because you are what you pretend to be.
Kurt Vonnegut

Thursday, December 2, 2010

can't complain

I love the flow of things this time of year. The house smells amazing all the time. Wood stove, fresh pine, and something always on the stove. All three boys are in great moods, excited for the spoils to come. I am happy and proud to provide all that they will hold dear. I wear an apron more often than not.
Inevitably, one of our cars breaks down and it's an expensive repair. This year it's my turn, a heater core and no wheels for nearly a week. I could rent a car, but I won't. It's birthday and Christmas season and we do not use credit around here.
Either CAN afford it or we CAN'T. (the absolute secret to financial freedom)
SO, I had the privilege of staying at home and cooking and cleaning my brains out without and place else to go. Other parents had to do the driving to and fro for football. Good stuff. No guilt. The house is ready for the upcoming holiday and so am I.
I took long walks, doing 6 miles instead of 4 one morning with my sister. It is so great to connect with her and be able to exercise at the same time. Mena loves it, too. It's multi-tasking in hyperdrive and with love, what I like to call "killing all the birds".
Life is good. I am remembering to be thoughtful, aware, and purposeful. and eat breakfast. Oatmeal! I am forcing it down because I know it makes good cold weather fuel for my morning. It has become ritual before my morning walk. It's fucking cold out there these days! In the 20's! I feel pretty good about myself just for getting out the door and if I can put on a couple miles, I know my mind and body will be in shape for the rigors of my day.
I'm dealing with teenagers and trying to maintain a sense of humor and still remain intact to steer the ship. I'm staying calm with a little help from NPR, online scrabble, tea and fresh air.
I'm such a nerd. Trying not to be is such hard work and I am just not interested. Sorry, kids.I'm enjoying the opportunity to do what I please. I wish the pay was better! Ah well... it's the same old American lamentation. Money can't buy you love. Money changes everything. Money is the root of all evil. bla bla bla
This week, I am excited to finish the outdoor decorating. I get these ideas and then poor roomie has to drag around a ladder and all the patience he can muster while I pretend we are decorating for a magazine shoot. I love to be proud of my home and the way it looks and feels. Roomie thanked me last night for creating "this" and he held out his arms, signally... well, everything. That's a moment I'll treasure and try to recall this week while I'm in line at the mall. While he could never be the everything I want, he is atleast knowing I am useful and even important. How I miss my love...T