Saturday, August 28, 2010

eating too many lemons?

Every time I sit here to write, the bitterness just pours out of me. I have 4 blogs in the drafts section that will never be published. I read and reread and can only sense a deep unforgiving bitterness within my soul. I am so angry. I am so disappointed in myself and everyone around me. I am so sad.
I'm so sick of feeling this way. I know it's my choice... why can't I make it?
I need to start a new season for myself, the one where I let go of all this shit I am carrying once and for all. There are no "new years resolutions" for me... I can't wait that long!
O', my achin' back!
***the painful realization that not one of my close friends or family chooses to read this blog, even though they were all given the link many moons ago... well, I think instead of hurt, I should feel relief because I can say whateverthefuckIplease and no one gets upset or offended. I am going to change the way I feel about things and stop giving a shit what anyone thinks about me.
I think Autumn is gong to be interesting and wonderful!

Sunday, August 22, 2010

and we're walking

What a week. month. summer. year.
I'm learning. A lot. alot alot alot. About myself and others and what we're capable of. I have reconnected with old friends that I treasure dearly and disconnected with less favorable acquaintances friends, intentionally. Goodbye is easy for me, I hold almost no sentimentality. My divorce and the loss of my father have taught me that life goes on until it ends. People come and go and so will I.
I am getting no where in my quest to stop talking and listen more. Well, I am listening more, but I just can't seem to shut my yap. I have some much to say! Why do I feel the need to share so much? Wouldn't it be great to have a shrink read my blog and tell me what the hell my problem is?
A camping trip on the Ashuelot, one bottle of red, an epiphany on a Sunday morning.
Ok, I'm ready to do this. Giddyup!

Thursday, August 19, 2010

ah.... whoopsie?

I was trying to be a nice person this year and I seem to have slipped and fallen, but I can certainly get up. Who am I to judge? I did what i did because of who I was and where I was. You're you and in your own place in this life.
Who am I to judge?
Like Frankie said " I did it my way" and so will you.
Thanks for the !doink! on the head, old friend. This is why I love you.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

grow up

If you cannot "afford" to spay or neuter your pets, then you CANNOT AFFORD PETS. Might just be time to grow up and start acting responsibly, don't you think? A lack of care is the same as abuse.


The fortune teller said I will live to be 91. She also said to stop worrying about my two J's, they will be fine. She said that love and money are coming. And, a trip to Florida. Also, moving. (gasp! NO!) "Pamela" gave me the usual bla bla for $10 and I enjoyed every minute, especially thinking about living to be a ripe old age of 91!
Until the ride home on 495 where the big idiot scared the living shit out me. He can drive between a concret divider and a tractor trailer at 75 mph without breaking a sweat or giving it a second thought. Meanwhile, I am having a panic attack in the passenger seat. If it were me driving, I would do everything I could to (AND WOULD!) avoid this scenario. So, a beautiful day at the beach ends in a migraine and the wish to drop the anvil.
Next time, he's not invited.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Time for a change

Sometimes, things that used to fit, don't fit anymore.
That's all.
I'm just not one of those people with a whole lot of sentimentality. I've lost people and things and survived it all. What you don't survive is the loss of yourself. I don't look back on the lost books and art supplies with sadness. I am just so damn glad to not have to lug that stuff around anymore. I kinda feel that way about some of the people I have left behind, too.
I know it sounds cold, but really, there are just toxic people and it's good to have them gone. You can't love every human you meet with unconditional understanding. That would make you crazy. (I know firsthand)I have been trying to hard to love love love and I realize now that I was wasting my energy on people I have no common ground with. Did I once? My memory is so shady that I can only think that I must have been going through such a dark time that they seemed like light at the time. My clouds are moving, now, and it feels like there are some people on the edge of those clouds floating slowly away from me.
And, I feel like just waving good bye.

Friday, August 6, 2010

It's not what you think

Are you even thinking at all?
Yes, gay couples want to have the same rights as same sex couples do. And, why not? I'm actually pretty surprised that the voters of a state like CA, which seems so liberal from over here on the East coast, would vote against this in the first place. I guess the Hollywood folks don't have much time for voting. Heck, I would've voted for same sex unions to be given full marital rights.... given the chance. Over here in MA, we didn't even get the luxury of voting.
While the rainbow flags were flying yesterday, our red, white, and blue faded even further off into the distance than those triumphant citizens could see, what with their narrow minded eyes and all. They are cheering to never again be able to vote on such a law. "Yay! My government just took even more of my freedoms from me and at the same time convinced me that it was for my benefit." They should be so embarrassed, as I am of them.
Cue the overalls and straw in my teeth: Us voters, we just aint smart enough to go around makin decisions that effect our lives.
What will you do, then, when you are not allowed to vote on something else...something that maybe hurts you. You can't be fool enough to think you always agree with judges and politicians. Can you?
This was not about gay marriage. Gay marriage was the front used to get you behind the piper. Go along now, little sheep... this won't hurt a bit.