really intersting stuff and total midlife babble

http://onlyagame.wbur.org/2012/02/18/olympics-uber-alles

I can't tell you how interesting this story was to me. Interesting enough that I jumped out of the tub to share it. Okay, I didn't "jump" per say... that's kinda dangerous.
This story, for me, was about judging a human being as a human being (oh, we all judge, don't we?) and not as a religion or a color, which we are all so sick of. Injustice? yes. Lived and learned? Let's do. Please. And no human should expect any less from ANYONE EVER.
Then there's this... I'm fucking 40. 40! It's so cliche to question everything and lose your shit at 40. Don't forget to grow a ponytail, buy a sports car, get all zen and shit.
That's not exactly where I am... I think I did all that at 30, minus the ponytail plus one hot 21 year old plaything. I'm here. I'm half way through my life, IF I'm lucky enough to live to be 80. Cancer, car accidents, freak falls from odd places... all these punishments for whatever it is I think I did wrong.
So, now what? What the do I want to do? Having based my last 19 years on being a mother, I have no idea what else I want to do. I should say I have too many ideas. I have EVERY! Oh, 40... I thought you would just leave me the hell alone. Considering what I've been through so far, I feel like I've earned it.

I want an end piece!

I don't write anymore. Not sure why. Time is a great excuse, but it's the one I despise most, and it's a lie. There's always time for what you want to make time for. It's the juice that's been missing. Plenty to say, the words just never being able to rise up. Til right now.
I've got myself a job that I hate in a place that I don't belong. I've got a paycheck and benefits. Yippiefuckingkaiyay. I've also now got the goal to find a new job. Maybe one that isn't so soul sucking. With paid holidays and a blue cross card, please.
My family is growing up and big changes are coming. J is facing a trip to Texas that he doesn't want to take. He's been trying to come up with every scary fact that a mother would cower from. Not working. And, he's still not working, so it's not looking good for him. He is finally trying to make contacts, but the effort may be too little too late when it comes to school. His diploma is questionable and I feel it's time to line him up for some tough love. Sometimes, people need that toughness to foster their own.
I seem to be the one who ends up doling out the tough love. It's my lot in life to have the brutal honesty gene. I see the hurt and anger on someone I love's face... but, I have to know that it's the right thing to do to help foster a change. Who is here to give me some of that? I wouldn't mind getting that push once or twice instead of giving it. I think. (too much)

the open door has just closed

Yesterday, my car finally got fixed!
It's going to rain for the next three days.
I see a disturbing trend.


The furrow in between my eyes is growing deeper.

how long is a funk supposed to last?

I feel trapped in my own head. And, my body doesn't feel good because of it.
The tea is good, and instead of a five hour energy in the afternoon, an iced coffee works fine. Soon, I hope to wean completely off of caffeine. The thing is, I'm listless. I have the motivation to do absolutely nothing. I don't feel creative or inspired. I wash the clothes, hang them on the line, take them off the line, fluff them, fold them, distribute them. Fill the dishwasher, empty the dishwasher. Give this one a ride here, pick that one up there. It's all so boring. I'm supposed to feel grateful, but I don't. I feel anxious and annoyed.
I don't like this funk. I need to make some changes to rush it along. First the caffeine...

no sugar tonight in my coffee

Day 1 no coffee, switched to tea. I had one cup of green tea with a small amount of sugar, no cream or milk. I figured since I have already had a nasty headache for the last few days, now would be a good time to make the switch. (lack of caffiene can cause a headache) I wonder hwo much caffiene is in the green tea?

wake up!

Put down that pill bottle and let it be. Let that kid go through the tough stages and learn and grow. Do the hard thing and push on through. What's different from needing to drink 14 beers every day or needing to pop 14 pills? Nothing but a doctor who drives a mercedes and lives in a bigger house than you and some laws made to make sure they keep on making money.
It's ok to question what they tell you.
Go on now, put some light back in those eyes, will ya?

Isn't that an old Eagles song?

When somebody loves you...
they accept you, all of you, even the crappy parts of your personality that show up from time to time.