gone to the dogs

As it turns out, the word "no" was pretty easy to ad to the daily parental vocabulary. And, I sure have been doing a lot less driving in the last week. Pretty sweet. That isn't to say that the kiddos didn't get to where they wanted to go, it's just that I didn't have anything to do with it. You see, we are a two parent household. There's a "we" here and the other half of the we has been driving all over. I am curious to see when this will end. A man who commutes to the Bean daily cannot be expected to then get in the car as soon as he arrives home and all weekend long, too. I saw a look on his face last night, just before the trip to Rutland, that I have seen on my own time and time again. Dread, keys in hand.
See, man, that's why I quit. Nobody should look like that on a Friday night.
This was a very interesting week for me. On Monday, I adopted another American Bulldog. Her name was Sasha, now Zsa Zsa, and she is about 8 months old. She's sweet as pie and has the squishiest bulldoggy face I have ever seen. Adding a dog when there is already one takes some work. Pack order has to be determined. I am the leader and I expect Mena to take the roll of #2 and Zsa to be #3. For now, I have to be vigilant and ready with corrections and praise so that I will have good, obedient dogs. Sounds easy. I know better.
I do love a challenge... and, I am on this mission to be good and do good. What's one more dog? Ha!
Last year I made so many changes... mostly to my diet. And, of course, to my wardrobe. No real need for purple suede boots when you're lugging firewood through the snow. I started last year in that dusty old building, stuffed in the windowless corner with a shanty of an old metal desk. Toxic environment all around. Now, I breath the freshest fresh air every day and I am my own boss. The last decade was hard hard hard, but it ended on a positive note and I am ready for more. This year, I will continue to eat well. We're going to be eating local, grass fed beef instead of the shit at the grocery store. Shit... it's what's for dinner! There's a farm in Barre that we plan to visit this weekend. Another in Gardner. We will have a garden this year, but I also want to buy shares of a local organic CSA for spring crops. We are moving in the right direction! (although, some of us wish we could just visit the chips and soda aisle like everyone else. Sorry, kids)
I am also going to try to let myself be and stop being so critical of every little thing I do. Awareness is one thing, but that was a resolution eons ago and I have taken it way to far, as usual.

boiled over

In a house with 5 people, 4 of them male, who do you think would be taking out the trash and stacking the firewood? You would think it would be one of the males, wouldn't you? You would, especially, if the dynamic in this house is that the woman takes on the traditional motherly role of cooking, cleaning, and child rearing. The father goes to work, he brings home the money. The mother does everything else. Three lazy, ungrateful children lie around and refuse to help when asked.
I am so fed up with my children that I have been uttering awful things under my breath. Things, that, if you heard me, you might want to call some authority at once. Rest assured, I am not going to physically harm any of my brood. However, a mental ass-kicking is in order, and I'm boiling over with lessons to be taught. I do not make New Years resolutions, but this past week has changed my mind. I am going to speak less. No speech, no begging, no lectures... for these boys I will reserve my breath and give one word answers. Mostly in the form of "no".
Can I drive?
No.
Can I get a ride to Scotty's house?
No.
Can I get a ride to the mountain?
No.
Will you? Can you? Can I?
No. No. No.
Yesterday, while the snow was falling and I was loading a cord of wood into a wheelbarrow and then stacking criss cross for good air circulation, I was angry and ashamed. I have raised my boys to be this way? All three are in the house, playing video games and eating and taking naps while I am outside for 3 hours in the snow stacking wood and they're ok with that? What have I done? I know I have told them the complete opposite of all of this. Didn't I?
It's these moments that make you question your worth as a parent. Of course, I know I'm not a bad parent, but not being bad doesn't make you good. Honestly, I want to be great. This project is a huge portion of my life and what if the finished product is three lazy, ungrateful battling jerks? This has to be fixed right f'ing now.

a present to myself

So, what do you think? I went looking for a handmade sushi set on Etsy... and, of course, I was lost in the search for days...until I found mudpuppy. And now I just have to wait for the mail to come. I almost hope they don't get here for New Years so that I have an excuse to get sashimi twice in one week! mmmmmmmmm tuna...

High sugar = low me

Four days of high sugar, high fat gorging at the kitchen troff has reminded me of why I choose not to eat this way anymore. Boy, does it make me feel shitty. I have no energy. I'm kind of saddish, not for any particular reason, just kind of not smiling. Couchy. Bla.
Not doing that again. Next holiday, I will not allow this to happen. I will encourage my sister to host all holidays from now on, so that it is her refrigerator and not mine that bursts with this killer feast. That's not very nice. But, what else do I do? My mother brought an entire grocery isle with her. I don't know if she thought we were having more people than usual or if she thought that I wouldn't know to purchase food for our gathering. Gee, mom, thanks... I never would have thought of crackers. Good thing you brought 4 boxes!!!
The pie, the cookies, the trifle...geezum crow, fat was just in the damn air! I had to dump it all yesterday in an effort to save myself. I thought the boys would eat it up, but, as it turns out, depriving them of this junk has made them not crave it so much. So, against all of my urges to conserve and not waste, I had to throw it all into the trash. And, now I am free.
Last night I had a glass of red and broth for dinner. I am literally still full from Sunday and it's Tuesday! I could live off of my own reserves for weeks! GROSS.

Survival

Made it though the holidays without so much as a scratch. It was easy. The shopping was quick and easy. The cooking was a breeze. The family gathering was fun and jovial. This holiday was nothing but a pleasure. My waistline surely shows that, too.
oh.... the gin and the red red wine, the french meat pie and the cookies of all kinds and the scallops and bacon, chicken wings, dip and the sashimi and the maki and oh god the trifle and pie... and my belly is hurting now because I have been completly overfilling full for the last 4 days in a row.
The spirit was great! Even the boys had such moments of love and giving that I nearly cried. N & D wrapped up some of their own beongings to give to us all and each other. I got the tape measure that I had lost months ago. Thanks, D. Of course N gave it to him and said "you should give this to mom". Very funny, guys. They played games that didnt plug in and laughed until coke came out of nostrils and joy was spread all over the house. Literally, ALL OVER THE HOUSE.
Bring on january with nothing on the horizon except snow, cleaning, and rebirth. What to become in 2010? hmmm

The weather outside is frightful

Yet, life is so delightful!
The back is on the mend. I finally got a doc to listen and do some tests. I am now in my third week or PT and feeling better every day. I have way too much to do this month to be stuck in bed in pain.
Lots going on here on the hillside... we've had snow more than once and it is the most beautiful place to witness the flakes falling. When it snows, I head outside and it's tough to bring myself to go back in at all. I'll be cold and wet and smiling as long as the snow falls. Now, it's just freezing cold and no fun at all. Everything is ice this morning and the weeks weather is cold cold cold with no sign of snow. Boooooo.
The mountain is open now and on the first night the boys went, D fell backwards and smashed his helmet. Cracked the thing open and a broke a chunk right off! Yes, but it wasn't his head. Thank you, helmet! I would much rather have a broken helmet then a broken boy. Helmets save lives!
Ice hockey has also begun, and the driving and craziness of it all has already started. If I ever win the lottery, I am building an ice rink in the district! (preferably right down the street from my house!)
And, if we didn't already have enough going on, I signed on to American Bulldog Rescue to volunteer and be a foster home for needy AB's. The thought of just one of those giant sweethearts being put to death because there's no room in the shelter and the family they once knew can no longer care for them... well, it was just too much for me to handle without doing something.
It's December and I'm feeling good. I'm not stressed out over the upcoming holiday. I'm not stressed about money. Granted, I could always use more, but, we have a roof over our head and food in our bellies. We have love and warmth and a damn good life. Anything more is just a bonus.

paranoid

My back hurts. A lot. More and more each time, in intervals of monthly to twice monthly. 14 days out of 30 last month. What the hell is it? Four...is it five? years ago, the new PCP listens and says "sounds like sciatica, here's some muscle relaxer." No x-ray. No follow up. Here's some pills, see ya, goodbye. It's all these years later and it's not going away and I don't want to take any more muscle relaxers, they don't work, except to knock me out so that I don't feel ANYTHING for a couple hours. I am hunched over and it hurts to sit and stand. The only thing that feels good is to be on my back with one knee bent. This is not an option.
Calling doc tomorrow.