such a block

We write to taste life twice...once in the moment and in introspection. ~ Anais Nin

I am growing very frustrated with my inability to write as of late. I'm not writing here or in my actual pen to paper notebooks. Total drought. I just can't seem to care enough through the end of a paragraph. I see a change in the works. I think I'll reread some Vonegut and see if it does to me what it did so many years ago.

Life is good, but it makes for bad writing. I just can't sit here and go on and on about every little thing I do. It feels like bragging and that's unattractive to me. I'm trying so hard to hide my inner torture to avoid being chiche or negative, that there is nothing to let out.
Oh, god, is this some kind of mid-life bullshit? I really thought the last ten years could cover enough "crisis" to last me til I float away. Do I need to start leaving myself inspirational notes again? "You can do it!" C-H-E-D-D-A-R
Hmmm... I think I will start with Cat's Cradle.

Be careful what you pretend to be because you are what you pretend to be.
Kurt Vonnegut

can't complain

I love the flow of things this time of year. The house smells amazing all the time. Wood stove, fresh pine, and something always on the stove. All three boys are in great moods, excited for the spoils to come. I am happy and proud to provide all that they will hold dear. I wear an apron more often than not.
Inevitably, one of our cars breaks down and it's an expensive repair. This year it's my turn, a heater core and no wheels for nearly a week. I could rent a car, but I won't. It's birthday and Christmas season and we do not use credit around here.
Either CAN afford it or we CAN'T. (the absolute secret to financial freedom)
SO, I had the privilege of staying at home and cooking and cleaning my brains out without and place else to go. Other parents had to do the driving to and fro for football. Good stuff. No guilt. The house is ready for the upcoming holiday and so am I.
I took long walks, doing 6 miles instead of 4 one morning with my sister. It is so great to connect with her and be able to exercise at the same time. Mena loves it, too. It's multi-tasking in hyperdrive and with love, what I like to call "killing all the birds".
Life is good. I am remembering to be thoughtful, aware, and purposeful. and eat breakfast. Oatmeal! I am forcing it down because I know it makes good cold weather fuel for my morning. It has become ritual before my morning walk. It's fucking cold out there these days! In the 20's! I feel pretty good about myself just for getting out the door and if I can put on a couple miles, I know my mind and body will be in shape for the rigors of my day.
I'm dealing with teenagers and trying to maintain a sense of humor and still remain intact to steer the ship. I'm staying calm with a little help from NPR, online scrabble, tea and fresh air.
I'm such a nerd. Trying not to be is such hard work and I am just not interested. Sorry, kids.I'm enjoying the opportunity to do what I please. I wish the pay was better! Ah well... it's the same old American lamentation. Money can't buy you love. Money changes everything. Money is the root of all evil. bla bla bla
This week, I am excited to finish the outdoor decorating. I get these ideas and then poor roomie has to drag around a ladder and all the patience he can muster while I pretend we are decorating for a magazine shoot. I love to be proud of my home and the way it looks and feels. Roomie thanked me last night for creating "this" and he held out his arms, signally... well, everything. That's a moment I'll treasure and try to recall this week while I'm in line at the mall. While he could never be the everything I want, he is atleast knowing I am useful and even important. How I miss my love...T

ah yup, so it is

There's nothing like a day with the fam centered around football and food.

Turkey
Stuffing
Mashed Potatoes
GRAVY
Veg... there's a veg somewhere in there, right?
Rolls
Wine

inhale
exhale

Pie
Cake


PASS OUT!

Dang it all to heck

Well, I had some big plans for today. And, they all came crashing when the Jeep decided today would be a better day at home than out running errands and working.
At first, I wanted to throw a fit. Instead, I calmly called AAA and waited the required "less than an hour" for help to arrive. When the not-so-helpful tow truck guy came out and barely tried to charge my battery before he gave up and said
"Call AAA Battery service and get a new one."
Uh.... No. NO! The battery is barely 8 months old! And, I have my receipt!
Ok, so now I throw a fit?
Nope.
I laughed. I closed the hood and went inside, got my running shoes on and walked the dog for 4 glorious miles. Then, I came home, made some soup for lunch and gave myself a mani-pedi.
I remembered the wise words... I am meant to be right here, right now. If I wasn't, the car would've started and I'd be buying food and gas and wine and beer. I'd be on my hands and knees in Holden planting 4 dozen tulip bulbs for my favorite client. I'm not. Instead, I'm here, now.
My nails were a wreck.... and the dog sure does love those extra long walks... as does my ass and legs...
So, my car is dead and I don't know if it will get fixed today or tomorrow or this week at all. But, my nails are a nice shiny blood red now and I feel relaxed and well from a day of pampering myself.

Trees, trees and more trees!

So proud of my brilliant idea to stack the old drums into a tree and string lights on it, I went looking to see what the rest of the planet was doing. WOW! Did I find some interesting ideas! How many trees is it acceptable to have? I even found a drum tree, like mine! And I thought I was so unique...hmph!
Undaunted, I will share what I have found with you!
More to follow... after Thanksgiving, when it's proper to be thinking of such things!

1st Time ever!

I put up Christmas decorations yesterday! BEFORE Thanksgiving! Ok, so it's only a tree made of old drums with some colored lights wrapped around it, but it's still a big first for me!
I am trying to embrace that which I usually consider to be cliche, lame, silly, ridiculous, corny, annoying. Yep, I'm giving in to it. I want to feel all this joy I keep hearing about. I want to spread it, too, so be prepared for a side of me that may suprise you.
I also want to remodel this ugly blog. I need help. HELP!

Thank you, MGC

For the reminder... of why I came here in the first place.
That I have so much to be thankful for.
It was my purpose to follow a more joyful, grateful path and somewhere along the way, I fell off. Thankfully, it's not too late to get back on that train.
So, here I go again.
Choo choo